Heading Home

It finally happened, the Hardship Transfer went through. I am going home, well at least to Hemet. I will move Michael to Hemet and start the year getting him back on track. He wants to get better but I don't think he knows how to start. He started going to church. Maybe he can start going with his dad, then at least they can see each other.

Michael has had two surgeries to close off veins in his legs, he has to wear special socks to keep the water from building in his legs. He is suppose to have another two before he will be finished. He is in a lot of pain because of it but it will help in the long run.

So things are moving forward and with a little help I will have Michael moved to Hemet by the end of September or end of October. The sooner the better for both of us. I know he will miss Mikey but it will have to be this way for awhile. We will go pick him up on the weekends for now.

I am going home. To make a real home for my son and me. To finally for awhile to stop moving, getting settled, being in one place, to unpack, and to just relax for once. No more going up and down the state. I get to stay put for awhile. To be home. I love that word. Michael...momma's coming home!!

Back in Sac

Now that I have been back to work for a couple of weeks the stress of me worrying about Michael is beginning to affect me in a physical way. I am breaking out with all these bumps, I got an infection in my eye. (It's better now) I seriously need to get home, he calls me feeling sad and unsure of himself. I don't know what to tell him. I really miss him also. Maybe I needed this more than he did. At any rate I did go home last weekend, I had another interview on the 15th, it went well but who knows.

I will be heading back down there on the 28th for I have another interview at Calipat Prison. With any luck, it will either be the one I just interviewed for or this one. I am getting so tired of driving back and forth. My back is suffering for it and just the wear and tear on my emotions.

Michael took a fall before I came up, which really makes me worry about him. We did find out that he didn't hurt himself before. While it is not common, it can happen in rare occasions. Leave it to my son to have the one in a million chance of something happening. But he will have a procedure to correct it so that it does not happen again.

Well, at least I found someplace to live for now. But that will end the 15th of Sept. The kid will return to go back to school. So just keeping my fingers crossed that I will have something down in the valley way before that time comes up.

For now, like Michael I am living day to day. Trying not to worry about him, wondering what is going on and if he is alright. Watch over the both of us the powers that be for we both need your protection at this time.

Another Month goes By.

I have returned from visiting Kimmie and you would have thought that I left Michael at the side of the road to die. There was an incident while I was gone where one of his varicous veins broke open and he bled everywhere. I still think that he did it to himself. Both doctors that he has seen so far say that does not happen. So that thought about him trying to hurt himself just enough to get attention but not enough to cause any real damage. One day he is going to do the wrong thing and end up died. But I suppose that I always knew that I would bury my son long before I died. I think that is what he wants to die. I know this sounds mean but I just wish that it would get it over with. That way the rest of the family could move on and get over this part of our lives. It would make a big difference for me, then I wouldn't have a son determined to kill himself. It gets so tiring, trying to hold him up along with myself.

I just hope that I am doing the right thing. I leave next week to go back to work. Which I am really looking forward to. Just to get away from him and his son. But his son is not why I am here. But I feel like I need to be nice and take care of him too. He drives me crazy, he likes to hurt and disrespect me. I just want to slap the shit out of him....both of them!!

Azna, please give me strength because I am going to need it.

Ending the Month

Well I have been here a month and sometimes I think that I am the one that needs help. There are times when I think that Michael wants to stay sick. He can act like a child and not do what is expected of him. He is going to have to learn he needs to follow directions and listen to the people who are trying to help him. He is not putting on the C-Pap machine like he is suppose to. If he does not do it tonight then I am going to tell him he needs to either comply with what we are all trying to do for him or I will not be returning and he is going to have to find his own way. I cannot keep asking him to do what is expected and he fight me all the way. I guess I would be one of those mothers in nature that would eat or kill their young if it was not strong enough to survive.

There are days when I am so tired of him not doing what he needs to do that I want to slap him. I can understand how Jackie felt and some of what she went through. But he is my son and he needs to learn to listen and cooperate with me and the doctors. If not then him not getting well will be his fault not mine.

Another Week.

Well things are going ok. Michael had a sleep apnea test and things are a lot worse than both of us thought. He will have to get a C-pap machine to help him breath. It is no wonder that he cannot stay awake during the day. He has been so sleep deprived for so long that his body is not going to know how to react. With any amount of luck he will have the machine before to long and he will be on his way to having a great nights sleep. Then we will start working on getting him to eat healthier. He sleeps eat now. Hopefully that will stop when he gets a good night sleep.

I just hope that it all works out because I am tired already.

After a Week.

It has been a week and things are going fine. Michael needs to learn to tell me when the doctor calls though. He received a call on Tuesday about filling out some paperwork for the sleep apnea test. He told the office that we would be there on Thursday but did not mention it to me. Not only that she asked him about the paperwork I had given the doctor to fill out for work. So I had to drive all the way to Calexico to get the paperwork for him and my paperwork so that I could mail it out today. He needs to learn to be accountable for what he is promising to someone. He needs to be awake when he is talking to someone. Right things down so that he can remember. I told the girls at the doctor's office that the next time we come in to have me sign or Michael sign something so the office can call me also to let me know about things. Because if he is not going to remember or follow though then he doesn't need to take the call.

It is going to be interesting about how I am going to have to deal with this. I feel that I have already put so much into this and he does not see what needs to be done, he only sees what he needs. He is going to have to learn that he cannot leave things up in the air or unfinished.

All Moved In

It's May 4th and we have moved Michael into his apartment. I had to hire some guys to help but I think that was the best thing I could have done. Michael and I would have had to make about three trips and it would have taken a lot longer than 2 hours these guys took. They were worth the money.



I need to take care of a couple of things tomorrow, go take the baby to school, take stuff back to the ranch, go grocery shopping, and maybe get some other stuff done. Need to get my nails done, but that will probably not happen until Thursday which is okay. Need to finish getting Michael taken care of. Have to sit and pay my bills tomorrow. So that I do not get phone calls. Hopefully I have enough money for everything.



While I know that things will be better, I am not so sure that Michael will ever really let Jackie go. She wanted to see the apartment, me I would have told her why she even cared to see it. I just hope that he keeps moving forward and does not look back. He needs to focus on getting himself better. Even though his son is important, for me he is my number one priority. His son is not why I am here. So when Mikey insists on misbehaving that just makes my tired and just drains me. I don't like having to butt heads with him. He can be so trying sometimes. But I suppose that now that his parents will not be together things might improve or they could turn into a nightmare. Mikey can make this very hard for his dad and Michael will let him do it because for him his son comes first.

I just need to keep Michael on top of things and to keep moving in the right direction. The first steps are done, we just need to keep moving. Hopefully things will keep moving in a positive direction. Well only time will tell.

So it Begins

My decision to live with my son for one year to help him on his road to a better life. One with no dependency on drugs, to be healthier, happier, and stronger mentally and physically. It was a decision that fate seems to move the obstacles that were in my way, mainly a relationship that no longer served any purpose for either of us. So here I am, it is May 3rd and this is the start of my year with my son.

We have rented an apartment in Brawley, close to everything and priced so when I do leave he will be able to afford the rent. We have already moved some things in and tomorrow we will move in more of what we will need to become roommates for a year. I know there will be times when both of us will wonder what the hell we were getting ourselves into but I think for both of us it will be a turning point in re-learning a little bit about the other. We were close at one time but people and circumstances change that. Now maybe we can get back to understanding each other and not being so tough of each other.

So far there is still others surrounding us, so for the most part we have not been alone with each other. I am hoping we will be able to be around each other for the next few weeks without getting on each others nerves. While I feel I need to help my son I still need to maintain my sense of self and have my own private time. Whether it be alone in the apartment or just going off by myself to do my "stuff". To go visit friends and have a little fun. Its not me that I am trying to help but him. I need to understand that he is a man and he also has needs of his own. He may not want mom around when friends are there. So I have someplace to go if we need a break from each other. Either the ranch, Anna's, or my mom's. Someplace where I can regroup or just be away from him for a short time.

So here is to new beginnings. A year of learning, reconnecting, communication, growing, and learning to not only find peace but love within ourselves. For this is not only of year of change for my son, but a year of new changes and possibilities for me as well.